(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
i have never felt so pessimistic, sad and dead inside for such a long period of time

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
You know, I wish I had to courage to say, "fuck it."

Fuck this, I'm too young to be dealing with this much bs. You know what I should be stressed about, punching walls about, crying about?

Honestly, I don't know myself. But it should not be contracts. It should not be artists. It should not be emails. It should not be worrying about whether or not I will get the yep trip to meet the requirements to renew my scholarship six months in advance before the event is even taking place. It should not be wondering whether or not I should sign up for a bloody great chance for a fully subsidised programme to new York or Denmark because I'm not actually into governance or current affairs or all that shit. It should not be because I just realised omf clashes with yep, like as if I'm just assuming I will get the omf. As if. Fuck this, why is this even happening to me? I'm so scared all the time, so worried all the time, my brain is filled, it's all work, work, serious stuff, work.

There's so much of all of this, I don't even have time to worry about assignments. My first choice was to willingly skip two classes just so I can meet an artist even though Verve is not even graded. I find it more important to maintain a good relationship with my working partners in the real world than my gpa. Sometimes, I feel great that I think this way. Independent. Ready. Mature. But now, I'm just like... What the fuck? Why am I even dealing with this shit? I've not even turned 18 yet. Fuck this, I'm so caught up with other shit that I don't care that my birthday is in like 10 days. It does not affect me at all. In fact, typing the previous sentence was when I first realised my birthday is in almost 10 days. Yo... What the fuck?

I don't know, man. What's it like to be an actual teenager? Relationships, part time jobs that don't help your future, parties, beaches, fun, thinking that stress from school is killing you even though literally all you have are assignments and no external ccas/VERVE to deal with? Ugh. Wish I knew how that felt like. Actually you know what? Not really. I'm glad I'm doing what I'm doing. It's just..... A bad night. I don't know. Suddenly I feel lost, confused and lifeless. Like work has sucked it all right out of me, it has ruined me. I don't know how to go back to the way I was, I barely remember how I used to be. And... I don't really know how I feel about it. I only know that right now, I don't feel very good.

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
god, i am so tired

today was one heck of a stressful day. first day of school, even. it was so bad i felt like punching everyone who posted their ootds on instagram with the caption 'survived first day of school!' because bitch, you didn't have ANYTHING to survive through

verve, arts fiesta, verve.... gonna die. dealing with some parts of verve is so difficult and painful. it stresses me out more than anything else - exams, assignments, presentations, interviews - even sending one email verve-related feels like greater torture that all of that combined.

it's so painful and difficult when it's bad. i want to give up when it's bad. i look forward to my bed, burying my face in my pillow, and possibly crying at the end of the day when it's bad. yet the feeling when it's good is irreplaceable.

i don't know, man. being a programmer is tough. it's painful. and i don't even know if it's worth it.

i'm so scared.

WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

we, the citizens of singapore
cervezaesbueno
"to build a democratic society, based on justice and equality,
so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation."

have these words been said and repeated so frequently by so many that they have become empty words?
equality. happiness. progress.
three very strong words. strong words of what singapore strives to be, what singapore portrays itself as.
yet in the recent days, these words describe exactly what singapore is not, and will never be

the NLB controversy started small. then it just got bigger and bigger, worse and worse. then came the MDA ban on an Archie comic. AN ARCHIE COMIC. goodness gracious, so many books have gay content, are written by gay writers, contain gay characters, discuss the idea of homosexuality, etc etc etc. if you were to remove all of them, there will barely be any books left in singapore. but wait, before that even happens, good luck because how the fuck are you supposed to sift out all of these books. might as well stop screening the ellen show on tv?

how do you expect the country to progress when this is the situation now? what is this equality you speak of? come on, banning children's books? how is singapore supposed to develop if you are going to pass down your close-mindedness to the very people who are your country's future? all these rules, regulations - have you once stepped back and thought about what you've been preaching to your citizens, what you so apparently want for singapore, before deciding on such actions?

progress. 

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
starting to seriously doubt myself. I'm so scared I'm not good enough, I'm so scared of the possibility of letting everyone down. I dont want to let anyone down. But I'm starting to doubt myself, my own abilities. Can i really do this? I dont know.


my friends tell me i can and that they believe in me. I trust them. But i don't trust myself. I'm so scared, and i hope i will get over this because i know that if i fall too deep it will be so hard for me to get back up

reflection
cervezaesbueno
  haven't reflected on the kind of person i am in a long time. like, really reflected. the only reason why i did is because i really learnt so much in the past two days. the empowerment camp has been such a pleasant surprise, especially for someone like me who has always called bullshit on """empowerment""" camps. because like, wtf, right? how can a camp empower me? i was so sure it was going to be one of those dumb, typical camps that try to impose some sort of "model" behaviour on us, that everyone forgets once camp breaks. however, after this camp, i actually reflected, man. and have been applying what i've learnt, though it's only been a couple of hours. it's the little things. crazy. 

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
FUCK!!!! THIS!!! SHIT!!!! lol

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
really very fucking worried about my verve group and how we're going to make it for verve when we cannot even work well now. can't see the group chemistry getting any better. and it just fucking worries me because verve is so fucking important to me i can't let it get fucked up by groups like mine that just cannot work together at all i don't know what to do 

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
i cannot wait to move out i just cannot FUCKING wait to move out

(no subject)
cervezaesbueno
one of those nights...

thought about my grandma, again.

thought about life alone. independent living. moving out, soon, away from everything that is restricting me from becoming what i want to be.

but what do i want to be? fuck. i don't know. i think i know, but i don't know. what do i know?

life. pretty crappy

?

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